There was a story that I had an urge of sharing through this platform. It might sound like a boring one and not something unheard of, but there are a few key messages that come to light through this short story.
Once upon a time, there was a little girl who like all the children of her age, had big dreams. She didn’t care about the world around her. She lived in her own dreams which kept her happy. Though she faced several issues while she was growing up, she never realized or even acknowledged the scars that were left behind on her mind and soul. She always tried to be positive, did her best in everything that came along her way and never gave up. But the results were never as impressive as they should be. She never really got her share of happiness. She would cry for a day and lament for her ordeals but would get up again the next day with the same zeal and put in a lot of hard work for everything that she had on her plate. The sole reason for this being, a strong sense of confidence that she felt in her heart, a hope and a dream that she had nourished all her life – “One day it will all make sense, one day all that she ever wanted will be hers. One day, after all of this pain and hurt, there will be peace and harmony that she will feel in her heart. One day, she would find the love of her life and everything would be taken care of”.
As she grew older into a young adult, she never realized but she had lost herself a long back. She couldn’t even remember the last time she had really felt happy in her life. Her face started looking dull and low but she never noticed that. Neither did anyone around her! She never had anyone in her life, who could really look deep into her soul and realize the pain that she was going through. Be it her family or friends, everyone thought of her as a nice girl, who was always giving and helpful. Nothing more than that! People her age, were having great fun and simply had awesome times but she couldn’t do anything of that sorts. She had her own constraints and limitations in terms of conservative family, lack of independence, financial conditions etc. So, she simply ignored everyone and again told herself – “One day!”
Time went by and finally, she landed herself into an average job with a decent income. She got the financial independence that she was always looking for. But she was so bonded with her family that she did everything to make them feel happy with the money she earned! Even though, she had never even got a simple flower as a birthday present from anyone in her family! Not because there was lack of love but because nobody really thought about it ever. Nobody ever thought of making her feel happy! She made some good friends but again she never revealed her scars to anyone. In the past, she did try to open herself to a few people, but nobody really paid attention to her. So, she simply shut herself out completely. She would always find herself feeling lonely, even when she was surrounded with crowds of people.
Then, one day, she befriends a colleague at office. He was sort of a happy go lucky person, who never really cared about anything, lived life in the spur of a moment but really had a good heart. She was amazed by the life he had lived, she used to wait to listen to his stories and somehow, felt attracted to him. Attraction probably owing to the life that she wanted to live but never got to live. She felt this sense of happiness whenever she sat besides him and would only wait to listen to what new he had done in his day! As ironic as it would sound, she would behave like a true friend and listen to everything that he had but this guy had no clue about anything in her life! Neither did she ever attempt to tell him. Even though, she felt a deep affection towards him, she could never tell him because they were so different and it simply made no sense. He liked her as well but never told her upfront. Then one day, when he was really drunk, he confides into her. But till the time, she processes this and could really make sense of it all, he finds a new girl friend and forgets everything he had told her. She is left shattered and doesn’t know what to do about her feelings. She chooses to remain mum and shows as if nothing really had happened! She pretends to be really happy for him because that is what true friends are supposed to do! Everyday, she would hide her emotions amazingly well. It was killing her inside like a slow poison and she didn’t even realize this. Things went on the same way for two long years, till this friend of hers, moves to a new country and a new job! Somehow, after that, she makes peace with whatever was left of her. She was already drained inside but like her usual self, she gathered herself up and started to focus on herself thinking “One day!” There was a positive impact that this whole episode had on her life as well. Somewhere in this whole cycle, she had started to work on her self image, do things which she never had done before, spent on herself etc. But the emptiness that this left in her life was something that words couldn’t explain. Suddenly, she felt all alone! She felt as if the dream she was looking forward to, would probably never materialize, she felt a need to be with someone, to share with someone her feelings but she had no one around her!
As time progressed, she went on to a higher role in her career, she was traveling to new countries and meeting new people everyday, something that only few people get a chance at! But she was doing all of this as part of her job. Even with all of this, the work that she was doing was not fulfilling. She didn’t feel satisfied or simply put, she never felt that she was doing anything worthwhile. In a way, through her work, she had got the independence that she was looking for all her life, she could do anything with no one to question her. But she wasn’t feeling happy deep inside! There was a sense that something was missing! She didn’t know what she was looking for, what was making her upset? Why wasn’t she happy? After all, there was at-least one part of her dream that was manifesting in her reality!
Day after day, life seemed to go on as usual with nothing changing. Same routines, same people, same woes! She was getting older and now, there was an immense pressure on her to find a life partner and get married. She brought herself to terms with this whole idea and decided to go on with the flow! Never did she know, that life is going to shock her yet again! She starts speaking with a boy, an alliance brought to her by her parents. He seems to be interested in her. In the initial phase, she is kind of wary about him and doesn’t know if he is the right one but over a period of time, she convinces herself for him. She somewhere feels drawn towards him because of the tenderness that he shows towards her. But she is scared to acknowledge her liking because they never met in person! They had seen each other through video chats and spoken to each other through phone calls. They hadn’t spent long time together but whenever they did, she was getting to like him more and more. In her mind, she was waiting for the day, when she would meet him in person. She started fantasizing about that day and for the first time in her whole life, she felt really happy! She felt that maybe the day she had been waiting for all her life is going to come soon. Maybe, finally she had found someone whom she can rely upon, whom she can trust, someone who understands her. But then comes yet another shocker! Life is not as straight forward as it seems to be.
The boy tells her that they should take a break till the time they meet. She goes berserk. She doesn’t get it that he was going to leave her! She keeps texting, calling him, only to find him ignoring her! Her urge to meet him in person was so strong that she finally finds a way to travel to the place where he lives through her office work! She is all excited to tell him about it. Because, in her mind, it is the distance and inability to meet each other which had kept their relationship in a limbo. But when she tells him about this news, he doesn’t seem to show any excitement. She is bewildered but again ignores all of it. She makes plans on meeting him and then, he breaks the news to her. The news that he had found someone else and is getting married soon!
That day, it felt like the world had suddenly crumbled in front of her. She couldn’t make sense of it for a very long time. She couldn’t come to terms with the fact that she had been ditched! She just couldn’t accept what was happening to her! She went through a dark night of the soul. She didn’t know what she was going through. Her emotions were running wild and she finally sensed that she wouldn’t be able to handle it alone. She entered into depression. She goes for counselling, takes medication and does everything that she could to get external help! Time flies by, things mellow down but in her heart, she is still waiting for him to come back. There is a battle raging between her mind and heart! She realizes that she was in love with this person. But keeps denying it to herself because of the absurdity of it all. She conveys her feelings to her family for the first time in her life but nobody really understands her. They seem to think of it as a normal phenomenon in today’s world. Instead of consoling her and supporting her emotionally, they push her to talk to more boys and start dating again! After all, it was their duty to get her married to someone.
Few months later, when she couldn’t deal with the chaos going in her mind and heart, she decides to meet this same person who had broken her heart. She gets on a plane without telling anyone and without knowing if she will be able to even meet him! But she does find him and meets him. She just wanted to see him and nothing else. She didn’t know what she wanted to tell or convey to him. But eventually, her ego takes over and she fights with him, argues with him and makes her point. She could see in his eyes that he felt guilty about the whole thing but his ego just couldn’t accept the fact that he had done wrong with someone! He probably thought in his mind, she would eventually move on in her life and it was not something that he should bother about. Because, at the end of the day, he had never met or promised her anything, it was her who had cooked up those dreams, it was her who had fallen for him badly, it was her who needs to take the control back of her life and think practically! There were many hurtful words that were spoken that day but there was this connection that she felt with him, even in those odd times. She could see something in his eyes, sense his breath, there was something about him which was drawing her towards him. She felt as if she knew him for a very long time. It never felt that they were meeting for the first time. It felt like the missing piece that she was looking for all her life, like finally coming back home. There was a feeling of solace and comfort when she was with him, along with the awkwardness of this meeting. She felt she could tell him anything! There was this sense of liking which was very difficult to deny! There was just something special there! But what she felt in her heart vs. the words that were being spoken were completely misaligned.
After meeting him, she goes completely out of her mind. She starts losing the sense of her reality. She starts getting panic attacks, she feels highly emotional, there is a fear of loosing him to someone else! She somehow manages to make her way back home. She still has this nagging feeling in her heart that he would come back for her. Her days are now all about praying to God and crying in her heart. As if, all of this was not enough, there is a sudden bombardment of signs that she starts receiving from the universe as if in confirmation to what she was feeling inside. She is now being followed by his name everywhere, she sees it everywhere and literally everyday! First, she thinks that it is a figment of her imagination but then, there is no end to it. With time, it becomes a norm. She now starts feeling a sense of happiness whenever she sees his name! It gives her the confirmation and confidence that there is a probably a bigger play at hand! Maybe, there is God somewhere! There is a series of synchronicity that play out in front of her, which she gets to know about when she googles about her experiences. Suddenly, she bounces upon the concept of twin flames, universal consciousness, energies etc etc. One thing leads to another and everything she feels strongly resonates with whatever she was discovering about twin flames and the way the universe works. She now starts to relate everything that she has encountered in her life prior to meeting with this person! Suddenly, everything makes sense. All her wounds and scars come to the surface. Like a flash back picture, she could see her whole life running like a movie in front of her! She could see how she was molded into her current self, every emotion or wound that left her scarred played back in her mind again and again! What is all this about, she kept wondering? Is it really to heal her or to traumatize her further?
Couple of years went by and she still even today, strongly believes that he was her twin flame. But if it was so, why has nothing has changed in her reality in these years! There has been no confirmation of any sort from that person if he ever felt anything for her. She doesn’t even know if he ever thinks about her! There are so many doubts but she is still guided to trust her heart, her inner voice! Whenever she tries to walk away from this truth, there are so many signs that remind her of him! It is as if God doesn’t want her to forget about it and move forward. She is tired. There is a strong urge to know if there is any sense in all of this or is she just obsessing over him! There is fear as well – if it is all in her mind, then this time, she would loose something big – the faith that she had kept all this while in that Supreme Force! This time it would prove that instead of guiding her to the right path, that force led her to the wrong path which led to her disaster! This fear is killing her but she has resisted the urge to know the answers, kept her patience and faith strong! She is still waiting for her answers but will she ever get any of them? Will her faith be restored or will it completely be lost?
People say there is something called destiny, which eventually reveals itself ! Her trust in the divine to let it play out the things that are planned for her, is it insanity or this is the ultimate truth of life? Will she eventually get her due and more importantly, answers to whatever experiences she has been going through in her life! She has done her part, she has done everything that was in her control, she is balancing her emotions, her energies (if at all, there is something like that), trying to be in the present and leaving everything else to destiny or the higher forces up there! After all, what else can we humans do, after a certain point?
But the question that keeps bugging me – was it really worth to wait for that One day, all her life? Maybe if someone had guided her to face her demons and do things for her own self, instead of thinking about pacifying others, things would have been different! But then, maybe this was how things were supposed to happen? This was how she was supposed to heal her wounds! Life is tough, goddamn it! All the while, we keep searching for what life is all about. I just feel, we need to stop searching and just live it. Live for your own self and not for others, do what you want to do, be with whom you want to be and don’t get guided by your emotions! Else, you will live in a fool’s paradise forever. Don’t ever let external situations or people be the reason for your happiness or sorrow. This is the difficult part but the only way to live happily. Live and let live, don’t overdo things for others. Because every time, you go out of your way to do something for the other person, you are doing injustice to your own self by setting expectations! Be it twin flame, soulmate or for that matter anyone else who is very close to you, never ever sacrifice your own self for any damn person! It’s just not worth it!