Since my childhood days, like so many others, I had always been made to believe that there is God out there who takes care of everything happening in this world. The one who is responsible for all the happiness and sorrows that you encounter in your life. He is to be pleased to live a satisfactory life, else we may rot in hell even in our afterlife. It is God who decides our destiny and gives us what we deserve based on our karma which basically means we need to be fearful of God. So, as a thumb rule, whenever there was a happy moment (however small or big) in our lives, we had to be thankful to God and whenever there was sadness, we ought to accept the suffering as something we deserved because of our past life karma, accumulated bad luck and hence, we apologized to God for our sins (the ones we don’t even know) and prayed harder to please God.
Like an obedient young child, I believed in what was taught to me and always made sure that I was pleasing God in all the possible ways so that I don’t earn the unnecessary wrath of God in terms of suffering. After all, there is so much that can happen to you if luck isn’t on your side. If I come to think about it, I guess I did pretty well. Apart from a few high and lows, I guess I have managed to have fairly normal life till now.
BUT…over time I realized something. Over past few decades of my life, there were so many desires that I had and wanted them to get fulfilled very desperately. I pleaded to God every time! Some were very stupid if I come to think about it now but meant a lot to me back then….like a desire for cream rolls and nice gifts when I was a kid, or winning some random competition in school or getting good grades and the list can go on. I tried to convince God in all possible ways every single time, be it through my prayers, visiting religious places of worship, performing all the religious rites as was conveyed to me, even fasting sometimes and so many other things. But not once, have I got what I really wanted at that moment in life. There were times when I wondered if my voice was even reaching the higher Gods and so I tried even harder the next time. And when nothing changed, I started thinking that I might be doing it all wrong or maybe God is unhappy with me for something I had done in my earlier life. I tried even harder the next time. Time flew by and over time, I started doubting if there really is a God up there! Or are we just wasting our time expecting for something from someone who does not exist. I had several questions in my mind. I started to wonder if people really understand God or have really experienced God in any way. This is when my journey into the spiritual world began and I can say, it is just a beginning and there are just so many questions which are still unanswered.
With whatever little I have understood till now or believe today, even that is something that I can’t argue about with anyone as right or wrong. Life is a journey towards a destination that we don’t even know! We don’t know anything about anything that we might encounter on this journey! In fact, we don’t know much about our own selves. Most of our lives go by, in trying to figure out what we want for our selves and what we really are good at! We are so fucking terrible in terms of our knowledge w.r.t everything in our life and in this universe. The only thing that we should be doing is to make peace with the uncertainties of life BUT again….our minds don’t let us do that as well because it doesn’t like uncertainties. Like an old habit which is difficult to get rid of, it always likes to plan for all the possible events that might take place, be it in the present or the future!
So, how should we live our lives, should we forbid all our desires and leave everything to luck or destiny? After all, there is very little that is in our own control! Isn’t it so?
More on this in my next blog!